OUR FEELINGS, OUR EMOTIONS

Often people think grief is the emotions they experience because of someone’s death. The truth is that the loss of an environment that was close, comfortable or important also creates grief. Or it can be the loss that results from unavoidable changes.

Many people think that sadness fades day by day. There is a way how emotions move to recover from sadness. Not everyone goes through the same way but most do. It is called the Grief curve.

It starts with shock, numbness – like a big hole in the heart, blame, and anger. It is like pain, while you experiencing these negative feelings. You don’t need to think that something is wrong to feel such a way, or you shouldn’t feel such a way. You might ask yourself why such thoughts come up and search in your past experiences or previous relationships.

At such a time, please be kind to yourself. It is Ok to be yourself. It is normal to experience such emotions when grieving.
One of my clients said when she told me her honest feelings “I can see that I will go up on this grief curve.” There is hope when you get to the stage of acceptance.

Crying and talking helps to accept the reality of loss, and these are the stages when first going down the grief curve.

© 2009 Makiko Nakazawa

Our nature is we long for something we don’t have. It happens to personality, too. People with opposite temperaments attract each other. When we respect each other’s differences we are given an uniqueness; it makes a beautiful complementary whole.

But sadly that difference can create conflict. The truth is opposites may attract. But just as often, they attack! In such a case normally they think the opponent has to change to fit with their own feelings or thoughts.

Each person has expectations towards the others. It may come from family of origin, or from the way our parents were. Here is an example: the husband was from a close active family that spends a lot of time together whereas the wife was from a quiet introverted family. In any new relationship, their own realistic expectations need to be established.

At the beginning of the relationship they can accept or respect the different characters of each other. Somehow, they start wishing that the other person would change. What’s happened to them? Are they talking about differences openly? Are they respecting the culture of each family of origin? Are there any issues blocking their relationship? (Sometimes even the arrival of a first baby can change the relationship and they start seeing the differences between them.)

It’s not easy to bring such a topic into a conversation, is it? But what will happen if you just leave it? What is stopping you to have an open conversation? Will you consider the effort if your spouse (or partner or friend) brings up such an uneasy topic to keep the relationship with you?

© 2009 Makiko Nakazawa

Intellectual intimacy
This mean is not both have same level of intelligence to feel closeness. It comes from having conversations about what you are learned in the life. Encourage each other to read or study, discuss the topic form news. Grow together by having these conversations.

Often wives who have young children neglect this need. That create big gap between husband and wife. If husband has latest information for many things, wife has no idea, their conversation interest each other?

Emotional intimacy
Husband and wife both have emotional needs, but wife needs fulfilment more than husband. Wanting to feel be understood, be heard. It’s communication of feeling. Unfortunately, many husbands don’t know how to meet wife’s emotional needs, because they didn’t have chance to see the model from parents.At the same time remember, husband wanting feel be respected more than wife.

Following points are helpful.
• Affirmation
Say how much you are appreciated or he/she did wonderful job, and give encouragement whatever he/she is facing.

• Spend quality time
It’s not watch TV together. Put effort to understand each other by express feelings, eye contact and listen.

• Giving and receiving gift
It symbol of love, money and self. It’s not necessarily expensive gift.

• Touch
Desires of non-sexual and sexual touch are different between husband and wife.

Physical intimacy
Physical intimacy has two sides, non-sexual and sexual.
Non-sexual intimacy is showing how much you love and care by touch such as holding hands, hugging, simple kissing. Sexual intimacy is pleasure and being committed to meeting each other’s sexual needs. True physical intimacy follows intellectual and emotional intimacy. The highest level of sexual fulfilment can occur only if the other areas of intimacy are present.

© 2009 Makiko Nakazawa

How do you describe intimacy in a marriage? It is not only physical but whole. A personal private relationship develops intimacy and intimacy cultivates a deeper relationship.

Does intimacy mean love, or is it more than that? It is really a feeling of deep closeness and understanding between two people and involves trust, loyalty, friendship, communication and sharing. Which one is the most essential?
It’s communication. All the others are based on communication.

Before we can think of communication, which involves two or more people, we need to look into our ‘self’. If the person can’t accept their ‘self’ as she/he is, can he/she accept the other person? Intimacy starts with self acceptance. Also each person needs to let the desire of controlling others go, because it prevents intimacy.

What other things stop intimacy? There are obsessions with the past and future, resentment, and unsolved anger.
(continue)
© 2009 Makiko Nakazawa