Parenting

I read an interview a few months ago. “I felt so guilty when the Dr diagnosed my child’s illness. It is because I carried him, he was part of me; it sounded like I didn’t care for him.” This tells me how deeply and emotionally a mother relates to her child.

The pain inside a mother when her child is diagnosed with an illness or disability might not be understood by the husband 100%. This does not mean that the father is Ok. He might not show much emotion, but may also have a pain in his heart.

“There are many other children with the same illness” “Don’t blame yourself.” “Don’t worry, there will be good medications and treatment.” These words from others don’t provide comfort at such a time. Rather, you may feel sadness or loneliness from not being understood.

Parents hope their child is born in good health and grows up healthy. So when they find it is not that reality, they must feel like losing hope. This emotional journey relates to ‘Grief’. It starts with shock, denial, anger etc. Parents struggle when they experience these negative emotions. People around them try to support them. What kind of words can support or encourage parents in this situation?

No one tries to hurt a friend who is in pain or struggling. Rather than saying something, it is helpful to give them a chance to talk through how she/he feels. Not saying words but listening; you should believe in the power of silence.

I would like people who have a kind heart to remember that it is important to prepare yourself in case your friend cries. We feel sudden panic when seeing a person cry. Generally we hesitate to cry in front of someone. Why is it? Even crying helps a lot to settle the troubled emotions.

It is Ok to cry. And ok to be there for a crying friend.

A mother and daughter have an open trusting relationship like sisters or best friends. A father and son have an adult relationship where they are able to talk as good mates. It’s a beautiful picture like a goal of parenting.

I said “goal” which means there is starting point. Is it only me seeing the goal of a relationship between parent and child while the child is still very young and so they should be at the starting point?

Who can be your friend, good friend, one of your best friends? Isn’t it people who have the same values in life, and who even may have a different view so you can have an open honest discussion?

When we start Pre-school or Day-care, we meet the friends who we get on well with and share many things with them. Somehow, often parents get on well when children became good friends. Does this mean the parents have similar values of parenting and family?

Now think about relationship between parent and child. Is it equal? I think it is authority and having a wholesome connection.

What is your view of discipline? Is it general understanding that discipline is just stopping or prohibiting the things child wants to do? Dr. Sal Severe says in his book “How to behave so your children will, too”（BANTAM BOOKS）discipline is not punishing them, but it teaches children to learn to make the right choices - choices that make sense in society and ourselves.

Discipline teaches children what is the boundary and what are the consequences if you cross the line. I heard the following story.
There was a very clever gold fish. He was bored staying in the little fish bowl. Through his eyes outside of the fish bowl looked so good, free and full of fun. So he put in the effort and jumped out from the fish bowl. But for fish without water it means death.

Glass (fish bowl) is the boundary which a child shouldn’t cross. Can you transfer this story to the importance of discipline and boundaries?

When parent gives in on one thing, the child pushes one more step, why? Children want to know where is the end of the safe area. Children who are brought up in the family where parents have clear boundaries are more settled and have the ability to challenge in new situations at school.

This is my understanding of feeling safe with a boundary. (you may not understand this explanation if you love swimming at the beach).
I can swim quite well in the swimming pool but I don’t like swimming at the beach. When I walk into the water, I feel Ok while I feel sand around my toes. But if it suddenly gets deeper, I feel like I have dropped into a big hole. I am scared of that feeling. Feeling sand, that is my boundary. I feel safe while feeling sand.

Work towards having a wholesome connection. So it would be wonderful to have a good friendship with your child when he/she turns 18.

© 2009 Makiko Nakazawa

Last time we learnt that children send messages of their important desires by crying.
“... but it is different story whether parents have to accept all the requests or not” Mr Abe says.

There is time when you can’t accept their request or desires if it is not good for the child, or you don’t want your child to copy such behaviours. If parents give in each time when their child cries, it leads the child to be selfish or the child gets power to control the parents.

For this reason parents say “Don’t act like baby!!” or “Don’t cry because I won’t let you”. Still, it is important for children to send messages of their desires and emotions. So parents can say “I see how much you want it, but for these reasons I can’t let you do it.” And let the child cry.

It’s sound easy, but it is not that easy in reality. Why? The key is in the experiences from your young age. (See the last article. Also I will write more on this topic soon.)

You don’t need to say “Use your words/ tell me”, as the emotional blockage will be gone after crying; then they will be able to say what it is. Still it is difficult for pre-schoolers to tell you, but give them time to remove emotional blockages and settle them, as this is what is important for them.

© 2009 Makiko Nakazawa

In the last article I referred to the book “Understanding the reason why a child cries” by Hideo Abe (Riyon-sha).I would like to write about more things that I learnt from this book.
The act of crying
Conveying their desire to create their being

There is a story of Sumire, age 10, in his book.
“Sumire was watching an animation TV program last night. It contained violent actions, so I said that I didn’t want her to watch this TV program. Sumire cried, but I really didn’t want to let her watch this program. What can I do?”
Mr Abe asks that would you say “Why are you crying? It’s only a TV program.” Or “Tell me why you are crying? You are 10 years old, you should be able to explain it to me.”
Is it only me that agrees with Mr Abe when he says, “Even adults cry when the chips are down.”

Mr Abe explains in this way;
Sumire cried because she wanted to send her desire: “I want to watch this program. Let me!!” She did it in a very straightforward manner. Maybe she was trying to send the message that if I don’t watch this program I will be left out from my peers because everyone is watching it.”

Children send important messages to parents by crying.
What will happen inside of the child who was allowed to cry and have their emotion understood, or felt that they have been heard? Mr Abe says that it is the root of happy growth which grows into self-confidence, a sense of reassurance, and self-esteem. How important is that!!

“You are a good parent.
Maybe sometimes you can’t pay enough attention to your child or you let your anger out on them. Maybe this is because you are frustrated because nobody understands you, or you are busy at work or have endless house work. Despite this, you are a good parent.
Parents are the people who love their child, and are loved by their child. They are wishing to love their child more than their own parents loved them. They are warm-hearted people who swear not make mistakes like their parents did.”

This is from “Parenting, let's cry when we need to cry” by Wako Ono (Gakuyou-sha). She runs the parents group that listens to each other without judgement.

When you have your first child you might feel uncertain for all situations; you might be distressed with your child’s behaviour or crying, and you feel that you are not a good parent. There are some families that look like they are doing very well, no hassles at all. But do you know some of the comments of “they are good boys / good girls” are just covering their honest emotions; they just stop saying their honest feelings and thoughts because they learnt that is not a good idea. This tells us it is not easy to be a parent.

I read another book about a child crying. “Understanding the reason why a child cries” by Hideo Abe (Riyon-sha).
Why can’t we stand to hear a child cry? “Don’t cry over that.” “Don’t cry. Look, everyone is watching us.” Everyone can recall these phrases from the past. Why do we try to stop a child crying? According to Mr Abe, it is because your parents did not allow you to cry when you were child, just the same as what you are doing to your child now. You swallowed your reasons and feelings without tears. That memory is painful. Probably “Don’t cry, because I didn’t cry” is not what you saying to your child. We as adults try not to cry. It’s like an unspoken rule in this society. These accumulated harsh memories are touched by a child’s cry and these accumulated emotions have overlapped with our child’s cry.

As Ms Ono said, parents are wishing to love their child more than their parents had loved them, but their emotions are affected by their child’s cry unconsciously deep in their heart. This is what I learnt through studying counselling - look into yourself before you try to help other people. Dear parents, I suggest that you look into yourself (your emotions & experiences) when you help your crying child.

©2009 Makiko Nakazawa